What am I doing here?

The question of all questions. One that I find myself asking a lot. “Here” could refer to here on this site, as in, “what am I going for with this whole blog thing?” Or, “here” could refer to my existence on this planet. What is my life’s purpose? What am I “meant” to do? Where am I going?

I don’t fucking know. It took a bit of experience to realize that I really don’t know much at all. Well, I know some things, though very little in the grand scheme. I damn well sure cannot assume what the future holds. I have a set of likes and dislikes, as any other human, so that gives me a general idea of where I’m headed. But as far as certainty is concerned, I can only be sure of this:

  1. I’m born of a human and am human.
  2. I have the opportunity to live.
  3. I will grow old.
  4. I will die.
  5. Love and meaning are what matter most.

Having nailed down those points, I realize I’m not as hopeless and directionless as I may have assumed. Anyway, I feel like I’m sounding boring. So let me just jump into it.

Hi, I’m Avissa, and I’m a codependent.

There it is!

I’m sure anyone reading this who knows me is thinking, “ah-ha! THAT’s what it is. This definitely explains it.”

So what does this mean? Well, there’s a ton of literature on it. The Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) website explains a lot. Melody Beattie wrote “Codependent No More” before there was an Alcoholics-Anonymous-style big book for us. There is so much to delve into that I can only go bit by bit. Anyone really curious about codependency right here and now can google it and find an immediate explanation.

So why bring this up? Well, naturally, my codependency has dictated my life decisions. It shaped who I was as a child and who I grew up to be, though I am still growing.

It wasn’t until I was brutally slapped in the face with the reality of my own codependency that I really woke up spiritually. The question of, “what have I been doing?” was suddenly answered. I was trying to fill a void. I was trying to fill a void within me, as somewhere along the way I had forgotten the truth. The truth that we are all born perfect and complete. We are taught to believe otherwise.

I’ll end it here for now.