Real Doll

“Are you sad?”

“Yes.”

“Is it because of last night?”

“Yes.”

“I thought you liked it,” he said, as I was laying on the top bunk, unable to make any sudden movements, lest I feel an instant sharp pain in my sides where he dug his nails into my skin.

“You didn’t have any fun at all?”

“Not really…” I said in a lethargic tone, feeling pathetic, yet numb enough not to feel any anger or let any other emotion aside from total lethargy bubble to the surface.

He looked at me for a few seconds, expressionless, maybe a twinge of regret, without saying anything. He was tall, so standing next to the bunk, he could see well over where I was laying down.

“You didn’t say no…”

Sometime within those few seconds, our roomie Marcie walked in, and the interaction was cut short. It probably would’ve ended at that point anyway, as he didn’t like to talk about unpleasant things right after they happened. It was more of a thing that he let simmer for a while, allowing the tension to build, until he felt like discussing it for a few minutes before deciding it was done and gone and it didn’t matter in the long run.

And that was my debriefing.

I went through the rest of the day in a sort of daze, smiling and acting casual towards anyone who approached me, but feeling run down on the inside. I went through a lot of that long term trip in a daze, but this topped it. I felt like a deer in headlights, stunned, unsure of how to proceed. So I guess that’s why autopilot seemed like the best option. I was in a hostel in some faraway tiny surfer/backpacker town on the east coast of Australia called Agnes Water, also known as Seventeen-Seventy, as it was discovered in 1770 by a Captain Cook, if I’m not mistaken.

I should be happy, this is supposed to be awesome, this is my dream come true! Oh perk up, silly girl! Don’t let everyone see how upset you are, or else they’ll ask questions or just assume you’re a stuck-up bitch.

The idea of continuing this entry makes me exhausted. It’s tiring, and the above events have replayed themselves, at least partially, many times over in my mind. The whole thing is just… Tired. Perhaps that’s the issue, I’ve only allowed them to replay partially, avoiding them as soon as I become conscious of what train of thought my ego is following. I need to let it play out fully so I can finally lay it to rest. But as of right now, I’m tired. I’ll probably come back to this and add more, but as of now I think I won’t. This alone was cathartic enough. I suppose we find at times, that some stories are no longer worth the time and energy when there are greater ones waiting to unfold.

I guess that leaves things on a lighter note.

🙂

 

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What am I doing here?

The question of all questions. One that I find myself asking a lot. “Here” could refer to here on this site, as in, “what am I going for with this whole blog thing?” Or, “here” could refer to my existence on this planet. What is my life’s purpose? What am I “meant” to do? Where am I going?

I don’t fucking know. It took a bit of experience to realize that I really don’t know much at all. Well, I know some things, though very little in the grand scheme. I damn well sure cannot assume what the future holds. I have a set of likes and dislikes, as any other human, so that gives me a general idea of where I’m headed. But as far as certainty is concerned, I can only be sure of this:

  1. I’m born of a human and am human.
  2. I have the opportunity to live.
  3. I will grow old.
  4. I will die.
  5. Love and meaning are what matter most.

Having nailed down those points, I realize I’m not as hopeless and directionless as I may have assumed. Anyway, I feel like I’m sounding boring. So let me just jump into it.

Hi, I’m Avissa, and I’m a codependent.

There it is!

I’m sure anyone reading this who knows me is thinking, “ah-ha! THAT’s what it is. This definitely explains it.”

So what does this mean? Well, there’s a ton of literature on it. The Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) website explains a lot. Melody Beattie wrote “Codependent No More” before there was an Alcoholics-Anonymous-style big book for us. There is so much to delve into that I can only go bit by bit. Anyone really curious about codependency right here and now can google it and find an immediate explanation.

So why bring this up? Well, naturally, my codependency has dictated my life decisions. It shaped who I was as a child and who I grew up to be, though I am still growing.

It wasn’t until I was brutally slapped in the face with the reality of my own codependency that I really woke up spiritually. The question of, “what have I been doing?” was suddenly answered. I was trying to fill a void. I was trying to fill a void within me, as somewhere along the way I had forgotten the truth. The truth that we are all born perfect and complete. We are taught to believe otherwise.

I’ll end it here for now.