“Are you sad?”
“Is it because of last night?”
“I thought you liked it,” he said, as I was laying on the top bunk, unable to make any sudden movements, lest I feel an instant sharp pain in my sides where he dug his nails into my skin.
“You didn’t have any fun at all?”
“Not really…” I said in a lethargic tone, feeling pathetic, yet numb enough not to feel any anger or let any other emotion aside from total lethargy bubble to the surface.
He looked at me for a few seconds, expressionless, maybe a twinge of regret, without saying anything. He was tall, so standing next to the bunk, he could see well over where I was laying down.
“You didn’t say no…”
Sometime within those few seconds, our roomie Marcie walked in, and the interaction was cut short. It probably would’ve ended at that point anyway, as he didn’t like to talk about unpleasant things right after they happened. It was more of a thing that he let simmer for a while, allowing the tension to build, until he felt like discussing it for a few minutes before deciding it was done and gone and it didn’t matter in the long run.
And that was my debriefing.
I went through the rest of the day in a sort of daze, smiling and acting casual towards anyone who approached me, but feeling run down on the inside. I went through a lot of that long term trip in a daze, but this topped it. I felt like a deer in headlights, stunned, unsure of how to proceed. So I guess that’s why autopilot seemed like the best option. I was in a hostel in some faraway tiny surfer/backpacker town on the east coast of Australia called Agnes Water, also known as Seventeen-Seventy, as it was discovered in 1770 by a Captain Cook, if I’m not mistaken.
I should be happy, this is supposed to be awesome, this is my dream come true! Oh perk up, silly girl! Don’t let everyone see how upset you are, or else they’ll ask questions or just assume you’re a stuck-up bitch.
The idea of continuing this entry makes me exhausted. It’s tiring, and the above events have replayed themselves, at least partially, many times over in my mind. The whole thing is just… Tired. Perhaps that’s the issue, I’ve only allowed them to replay partially, avoiding them as soon as I become conscious of what train of thought my ego is following. I need to let it play out fully so I can finally lay it to rest. But as of right now, I’m tired. I’ll probably come back to this and add more, but as of now I think I won’t. This alone was cathartic enough. I suppose we find at times, that some stories are no longer worth the time and energy when there are greater ones waiting to unfold.
I guess that leaves things on a lighter note.